10 Years. Golly gosh - 10 years I have been working in the death / palliative care / end of life doula space now. I was doing a night shift recently, and did the little sums in my head of how many people I have looked after through death - over 1000.
1000 souls.
1000 families.
1000 stories.
1000 lessons.
I truly love and appreciate what I do. The ability to provide comfort in death to those that are passing, as well as their grieving families is a niche of nursing and care that (in my opinion) should not be taken for granted. To be able to sit and hold the hand of a person in their final moments I personally find deeply meaningful and moving.
I will not lie - I was a completely different person before working in the end of life space. I was also very young!. When I first started my foray into palliative care nursing I was only 24 - 25 - young for working in this particular nursing niche. How many deaths would you think I would have seen in my young and naive 25 year old body - whom had lived in Albury / Wodonga her entire life and previous to my nursing training worked in retail?. Only three - and they were all family - but I knew when I started my nursing training that I wanted to work in the end of life space, and my god am I thankful for being able to have been a palliative care nurse for that long.
I am far from perfect - believe me, I have my faults. But I have also been fortunate enough to learn and grow from meeting amazing people in the space that I work and am a sole trader in, and below I have listed a few things that I have learnt and carry with me from my years working in this space.
1) Humans are amazing.
The human spirit really is resilient and strong. I have said this before, but it is true that “people go out they way they have lived”. People that have had lives that are strong, independent and resilient do not suddenly get to the end stage of their illness and leave this world quickly. They fight. Hard. Every step of the way.
I also have seen even in the end stage of a terminal illness just how caring and kind people can be, and how selfless they are when their world is falling apart around them. The concern that patients and doula clients have expressed to me such as “are you sure you don’t mind doing that for me?” “I am so sorry you had to shower me” - as if they are a burden and apologetic for their illness. The concern and empathy humans have for others at a time where they are facing the worst, really becomes a testament to the depths of human compassion, and is another reason why I truly love what I do.
2) love - HARD
Ill admit, I am one of those gals that love hard in relationships. I personally find deep connection and meaningful conversations incredibly important and fulfilling - to the point where I have been called too much by some in the past. However, I do believe that my experiences in the death space have shaped the way I feel what I feel. Witnessing the end of someone's life and holding their hand as they die is a strong reminder that your time is precious. Tomorrow is not guaranteed - love and cherish what you have, whilst you can. The experience of working with / around death also has taught me to express love, appreciation and gratitude to all people that I care about - friends, family (of course) and partners. Tell your friends that you love them, not just your partner and family. You never know, telling your best friend that you love them could be the very last thing that you say to them - life as we know it is not guaranteed.
Life's unpredictability is a constant companion in this environment, and it's a stark reminder that we can't take anything for granted. Every day, I see the impact of genuine, wholehearted love on patients facing their final moments. It's not about grand gestures; it's the simple acts of kindness and connection that make all the difference. Life doesn't come with guarantees.
3) Wanky I realise, but truly - life is so short
Really - it truly is. I have been witness In the palliative care space and death doula space to realise just how unpredictable life can be. Young people facing their final moments, people longing for more time with their children, and individuals who were healthy not long ago, suddenly faced with a terminal illness being told they have months to live - the sadness of sudden diagnoses turning robust health into borrowed time. I've felt the heartbreaking yearning of those with motor neurone disease, unable to hug their children due to their failing bodies. Life, in these moments, is a stark reminder of its ability to end at any moment. It's has been a wake-up call to me that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I have learned to appreciate the urgency of enjoying life, making the most of holidays, and grabbing onto experiences. Life can be too short for second-guessing. These encounters remind me to hug a little tighter, celebrate the present, take chances and live without holding back.
4) Don't get me wrong , your academic achievements are important - but what is more important is your soul
Academia is important. Good grades, the degree, ensuring that you finish school - they all contribute and help with increased job opportunities and experiences. However when you die - no one really cares about these things. The degree?. yes it is important and I am certainly not saying that you should not do these things. But I can guarantee with certainty from first hand experiences that the things that are most commonly spoken about at the time of death is the memories, your personality, your kindness, and your heart. I hope that when I die (whenever that may be), that I may be remembered for being kind, over having a nursing and psychology degree. Yes they are important - but your soul is more. When you die, it is not the degree on the wall or the resume saved on google docs that people say you were known for - but you, and how you lived as a person.
5) What happened, happened. Thinking about it will not change it
Ill let you all in on a little secret - I have been married before in a past life. I was a different person then to where and what I am now, and working in the death space has taught me a few things about moving forward and being in the present rather than bringing back old memories. Constantly living in the past and going over and over old memories will not change the fact that what happened, happened. Why ruminate on past mistakes, past grievances, and past bad memories when they will not change the outcome?. I have been witness to both sides of the coin with this way of thinking with those that are dying. Regret is a very strong and common emotion of people that are dying, and common themes surrounding forgiveness, missed opportunities and overthinking are normal (sadly) in death. I have also been privy to those that share the opposite side of the coin. Those that have lived authentically, that have lived in the present, that have accepted the future for what it is and embraced the unknown - whatever that may have been.
6) Is the car and fancy home worth it?
What does true wealth actually mean? Does it mean flashy cars, fancy homes, expensive handbags?. Or is it a deeper meaning? - does it mean family, memories, experiences and relationships?. I completely understand and appreciate that if people work hard, they are entitled to spend their money in whatever way they so wish - however believe me when I say I seldom see people at the end of their life talk about their flashy cars, material possessions and wealth, but more of family, experiences, love and life stories. You also cannot put the BMW in the coffin with you for when you are buried....you can try, but you might need a large hole in the ground!
at the end of life material wealth no longer holds the same significance - it is the connections, memories, and kindness that matter.
Over a thousand souls and families later, what really hits home is the strength of the human spirit, the power of genuine love, and how short life truly is. Prioritizing love, treasuring the present, and holding connections matter most. Academic achievements don't hold a candle to the legacy of kindness and a rich soul. Wallowing in regret and the past doesn't change anything. True wealth is about family, experiences, love, and life stories, not flashy cars or material goods. As death occurs, connections, memories, and kindness are what matters most. In a world where tomorrow isn't guaranteed, these experiences urge us to live authentically and embrace life wholeheartedly.
With love - Kara x
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