Grief is sadly, a universal experience—raw, messy, relentless, and personal to you. Most people associate grief with death, and while it is true that losing a loved one hits like a freight train (and will sadly for the rest of your life) grief doesn’t belong solely to death. It shows up in all kinds of crappy ways: the end of a relationship, the betrayal of infidelity, losing a job, losing a friend, financial devastation - or even losing a much-loved pet.
No matter the source, grief has this shitty knack for showing up uninvited, especially when we do not want it near us - leaving us reeling, heaving, crying, and questioning everything we have done, and everything we continue to do. The sad kicker?: that grief never really ends. We never “get over it”; we learn to live with it, like a new random body part we have woken up with. Whether we like it or not, it is here, and here to stay - forever changing us from this day forward. We shift around it, finding ways to keep going even as it lingers in the corners of our hearts or in the corner of the room. The silent observer.
Grief Through Human Death.
The death of a loved one is one of life’s most heavy, crushing losses. It feels like someone has ripped your heart out from inside you, leaving a void that no one else or nothing else can fill. The world keeps spinning, and people keep going about their lives - but for you, everything has stopped. People ask you how you are. How you are feeling. What do you need... and the answer is one that no one can give - for your loved one to be earthside, and here with you.
We have memory-sharing activities for them —funerals, wakes, memorials—to help us process the loss that forever changes us. These permit us to grieve - to cry, and to share memories of our person. But after the funeral flowers die and the meals stop getting dropped at your door. Grief will not pack up and leave however, no sir. It sticks around like a house squatter, sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly, demanding your attention - and demanding it when you do not want it to, either.
The “stages of grief” model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) often gets thrown around. While it can be helpful as a framework - this model has been debunked, and we now know that grief does not follow a timeline. You might feel angry one day, numb the next, and devastated a week later. And that is perfectly okay - and normal. Think of grief as a Ditto (Pokemon reference - IYKYK) - a shapeshifter—it hits you when you least expect it, like a punch in the face.
But as hard as it is, you keep going. You keep moving forward, even if it is one tiny, shitty step and day at a time.
The Heartbreak of Pet Death.
Let me not downplay the grief of losing a pet, either. Pets are not “just animals”—they are family to most. Several increasing adults my age are opting to have pets over children, and whilst this is a deeply personal decision, society needs to be aware that the loss of a pet can be as equally devastating as losing a human, for some. Pets are special. They greet you at the door with wagging tails, curl up with you on bad days, and love you unconditionally. When they die, the silence in the house is LOUD, and your routine feels forever changed.
Society does not always validate this grief, but if you have ever lost a pet, you know how deep that pain runs. The kind of grief that makes your chest feel tight, your heart heavy, and your world a little lonelier - and just like any other loss, it deserves to be felt and honored.
The Gut-Wrenching Pain of Cheating.
Perhaps, let us talk about a different kind of loss—the relationship death that comes with infidelity, and only those who have experienced it can understand. Betrayal is a special kind of shitstorm. When someone you love and trust with your existence cheats, it feels like they have taken a knife and stabbed it straight into your heart.
Your heart races, your blood boils, and you want to scream, punch something, or cry all at once. “D-Day”—the day you discover and find out. Whether it is a text message exchange, a confession, or catching them in the act, the anger is overwhelming, and forever changing.
Infidelity may not just end a relationship; it shatters your sense of self, self-worth, perception, and strength. You might find yourself questioning everything:
Why wasn’t I enough?
What did I do wrong?
How could they do this to me?
Who the hell even are they?
For many, infidelity hits at the core of your self-worth. Society has conditioned us to believe that being cheated on means that there is something wrong with us - that we are not worthy, not the other person. That’s total crap. Cheating is a reflection of the person who cheats, not the person who has been betrayed. But being aware of that, and knowing that does not stop the questions, the hurt, or the tears.
Other Forms of Loss
Grief does not always stem from death or cheating. There are countless other ways it sneaks into our lives:
Job Loss: The routines, the connections, and the sense of purpose that vanish overnight - not to mention the pay!
Financial Loss: Money may not buy happiness, but financial woes can be brutal to mental and emotional well-being. The shame and fear that come with it can feel terrible.
Friendship Death: The end of a friendship, especially a close one, can be just as painful as a breakup. The memories, the trust, the shared experiences—all gone.
Grief is messy, and it will never care about your plans. It will hit you when you’re in the supermarket, or halfway through your coffee. And you know what? That is okay.
It is okay to cry until your face is red. It is okay to scream into a pillow or drop an impressive string of swear words. It is okay to feel like absolute crap. Your grief is valid, whether it is over a person, a pet, a betrayal, or a job.
Always, Always here.
As an end-of-life doula, I spend much of my time helping people with grief and loss about death. But I am also here writing this - to tell you that no matter what kind of loss you may face, I am always happy to support you where I can.
If you are feeling betrayed, heartbroken, or just lost, we can grab a coffee. Sometimes, the simple way of sharing your story—being heard without judgment—can make all the difference.
Because at the end of the day, grief isn’t something we “fix” or “get over.” It is something we learn to carry, and eventually - it shapes who we are. Even though it is shitty and hard and unfair, it is also proof that we loved deeply, cared deeply, and lived.
So take the time you need. Feel the pain, the rage, the sadness. And when you may be ready, know that I am always up for a coffee and a chat.
With love, Kara x
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