As a palliative care nurse, end of life doula, and funeral celebrant - I have come to realize that how we handle the end of life, as well as after death says so, so much about how we value and love life. Recently, I visited a funeral business with a client to pick up her loved one (well, his cremated remains) - and it sat with me. I'll explain:
I was perplexed by the display of her partner's remains in an impersonal bag displaying the funeral home's image, while I supported her in taking them / him home for the final time. It made me think about how fragile life is and how important it is to honour each person's journey—even in death.
Here's the thing: as a collective society, where every one of us will (sadly sooner than others) pass someday, can we do better than that? You can take charge of your own funeral arrangements. You can find a supportive funeral home that aligns with your values and wishes. It starts with asking questions and being informed.
But: there is also meaning in this. Instead of accepting a plastic bag with your loved one insitu - think about what matters most to you. Seeing someone's entire life reduced to what looked like a souvenir made me realize something: life is short, and one day, all of us will face the same fate – whether it be in a gift bag, a coffin, or a burial. We all but live life once - live well, love well, take chances, and drink the good wine.
We all but die once, too.
So, have a think. Do you want a traditional service or something more personalized? Are there specific cultural or spiritual practices you want honoured? By articulating your wishes (and writing them down) you empower yourself and your loved ones to create a meaningful farewell that reflects who you are as a person, how you lived, and how you loved.
Finding a supportive funeral home, doula-led collective, or even finding the knowledge to do all of it yourselves (no law states you need to go through a funeral home) is so, so important. Look for people who prioritize transparency, compassion, and respect. Ask about what they do: How do they handle cremation or burial? Do they have alternative options? Can they provide an eco-friendly burial option? What options do they offer for memorial services? Are they open to accommodating special requests?
Choosing people who respect your wishes ensures that your end of life wishes are handled with care and sensitivity. Do you know what it also does? Changes the narrative surrounding death. Death is sad. It is raw, and it can be heartbreaking. However, it can also be one where your wishes are valued, you are supported, and one in which you know you are advocated for, past your last days and beyond. Through education and empowerment, we can make it a known part of life, celebrated in a way that honours individuality and legacy.
Collectively, we can do better. Let's start conversations about death – not as a taboo subject, but as a natural part of life. Let's advocate for practices that uphold dignity and support families in their time of grief. By challenging outdated standards and embracing new possibilities, we can redefine what it means to say goodbye.
If you are planning, navigating a recent loss, or supporting a friend through their last days remember: you have the power to shape your death. Seek out compassionate providers and do not hesitate to ask questions.
Creating a culture where every person's life is celebrated, and their death is marked with the respect and dignity they deserve is so, so important to me. We make our own decisions in life - so we should too, be allowed to make them in death.
You only die once. Your death, your decisions.
We are more than just gift bags.
With love, Kara x
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