I was reading an amazing memoir last week when I had the time (which is sparse these days, but I did have some!) called "The Undertaker: A Memoir of the First Woman Funeral Director in the Core of Brooklyn," written by Laura Del Gaudio (https://www.amazon.com/Undertaker-Laura-Del-Gaudio/dp/1950584119). It surrounds her experiences in a traditionally male-dominated field, and her writing of her gender challenges experienced really resonated with me. Even in 2024, funeral homes and the intimate ability to care for our loved ones after they have died seem to be a male-dominated field. Times are changing, but did you know that they haven't always been this way?
Us gals did the things!
Traditionally, in Western society—particularly up until the early 20th century—people died at home. Women were the caregivers, looking after the family home and raising children while also taking on a profound, intimate role—tending to and caring for the dying. When someone died, men typically handled the practical tasks: the burial, the heavy digging, and earthwork (remember, back in those times we did not have heavy machinery to dig graves; it was common for men to work by hand with pickaxes and shovels—incredibly physical work!). We women were then left (and somewhat expected) to perform the more intimate tasks—preparing the loved one for burial or funeral.
Washing, dressing, anointing, shrouding, and placing the person beautifully—this was all women’s business and considered sacred. Every wash, every shroud, every movement of a woman caring for the dead was viewed as an art form and the utmost respect for the deceased. We did it, and we did it beautifully. Hospice and palliative care, as well as dying in a place other than your home, was not considered the norm until Dame Cicely Saunders stepped in a few years later.
Jean-Claude van...Dame?
The queen that was Dame Cicely Saunders (1918-2005) was an amazing, pioneering, and beautiful figure—one I look up to for her tenacity and ability to change societal norms. She was instrumental in shaping modern hospice and palliative care. She completed her education as a nurse, social worker, and physician (amazing!). She then founded St. Christopher’s Hospice in 1967. This first-of-its-kind facility fully integrated pain relief, compassionate end-of-life care, education, and research—leaving a lasting legacy on how we approach end-of-life care today, as well as demonstrating how the influence of strong, dedicated women can shift a traditionally male-dominated profession.
The shift
Fast forward to today, and we see a shift. The funeral industry has sadly and largely become male-dominated (there are over 22,327 funeral directors currently employed in the United States. 35.3% of all funeral directors are women, while 64.7% are men), with some focusing on business rather than the compassionate care that women historically provided. This shift can also lead to a disconnect from the practices that have allowed families to engage with their grief. Now, please don’t get me wrong—I know many men in the profession and am fortunate to call them friends. I also know of many funeral homes that genuinely care, love what they do, and give back to their community. Please take this as an overall generalisation, including the facts and statistics, rather than singling out any particular business.
In our modern society of 2024, many deaths occur in hospitals, which can feel impersonal and clinical. The option for home deaths and active family involvement in care has decreased in most places, making the experience more transactional rather than personal and deeply sacred. This can strip away the intimacy that women historically nurtured, leaving some families feeling isolated in their grief and with more questions than answers.
But—times are changing
As an end-of-life doula, funeral celebrant, pet death doula, and palliative care nurse, I hope to bring back the heart of these practices into contemporary death and end-of-life care. I personally believe that it is vital to acknowledge and honour the nurturing roles that women have played in shaping and forming the modern funeral business, as well as end-of-life care practices. In some cases, we can change the tide from more people choosing hospitals to more people choosing to die at home, surrounded by their garden, pets, loved ones, family, and the support of end-of-life services (and death doulas!) to make that happen. I also firmly believe that it starts with education.
Educating families and individuals (as well as the dying person themselves) about the dying process and the options available empowers them to take an active role. By sharing knowledge, we help families feel connected to the experience, allowing for a supportive atmosphere—while also bringing back the historical practices of caring for our loved ones at home. Why in 2024 can we not wash, shroud, care for, and have a home-based funeral? Guess what? We can! It all starts with the knowledge and support to bring these practices back and make them more common.
Today, we are witnessing a resurgence of women in the death care industry, with an increasing number of women owning funeral homes and making up a significant portion of graduates from funeral directing programs. For instance, at Ontario’s Humber College, 70 percent of the students enrolled are women. This shift shows a growing recognition of the importance of nurturing, compassionate care (and women whoooo!) in the industry.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk!
Reclaiming the role of women in death care is essential for creating a more compassionate, personalised approach to dying and grieving. It is my hope that we weave these practices back into modern death care—honouring the legacy of fearless, strong women who have cared for and supported the dying and the deceased throughout history.
A woman’s place is at the deathbed (among many, many more places!)—not just as a caregiver, but as a vital contributor to shaping the story of how someone dies and the support given to their family.
If you are entering your final months or supporting someone who is, please remember that you are not alone. Reach out, message me, email me, or call anytime—I can assist to the best of my ability and refer you to some amazing, dedicated people who can support you in this space.
Women—we are pretty darn special.
With love,Kara ❤️
Comentarios